Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Let's Talk About Erectile Dysfunction Commercials!

Erectile Dysfunction commericals are so ridiculous lately....I swear last night I must have seen 6 of these.  I don't mean to belittle this overtalked about and overglorified important problem, but must I see it during my tv shows repeatedly? And I swear to god, it just came on the TV as I'm writing this blog!  It was a sign that I must speak! Especially when they are as ridiculous as the new Cialis commercial.  It goes something like this:
Multiple scenerios between three sets of couples:
1. A romantic moment between a couple cleaning their garage.....they touch hands over a box and he gives her the look...they are then embracing in the garage....ready to go, loving each other so much....
2. A couple dining by candlelight in their kitchen....she brushes a crumb from the corner of her husband's mouth...and next scene they are headed up the stairs....
3.  And my favorite....a couple raking leaves.....they touch the rake at the same scene they are pitching a tent in the back yard and getting settled around a campfire and he's giving her the "eye"....

And it ends with each couple next to each other each in a bathtub....

Ummmm......I need to find out who Cialis's marketing/advertising company is and tell them they are complete dingbats.  My take:

Scenerio 1:  Well, last weekend Mike and I cleaned out our garage, and the last thing I wanted to do is drop down on my garage floor and go at it.  It was not romantic....we were yelling at the kids to find something to do, it was filthy, and we both stunk to high hell.  The last thing on my mind was "let's get busy're so sexy cleaning the garage!"  I wanted him to haul the crap I wanted gone to the curb faster and follow my directions quicker so we could get this over with.  The only looks between us cleaning the garage were dirty ones...and not that dirty...evil eyes! my idea of a "come hither" moment.

Scenerio 2: No candlelight in my house...I'm afraid of flame candles.  All of mine are battery operated.  I've got 4 kids, I don't need someone knocking a candle over and burning the damn house down.  Also, in this house there is no time for candlelight....4 kids are hungry, I'm starving...and we've got to get in the car to take someone to something.  Also, if any woman wipes the corner of her husband's face, I need to slap her face.  He can wipe his own mouth--you're not his mother and that's just way am I wiping Mike's, I've got 4 other faces to wipe, and 40 sticky fingers too.  Not romantic....and I'm not heading for the bedroom after I wipe everyone down.

Scenerio 3:  Now this one is really funny to me.  You tell me a woman who is turned on by raking leaves outside with her husband, and I'll get you a thong-wearing lawn boy for a year.  This scene is crazy ridiculous!  They think pitching a tent is romantic?  (Ha!  Pitching a tent....see the symbolism?)  Anyone who knows me at all knows that pitching a tent is the LEAST romantic thing I can EVER think of doing!  Pitch me a tent to try and be romantic and you'll be digging a ditch to bury your dreams of getting any!  And then the campfire!  Sure, I want you near me when you stink like outdoor smoke and burning wood...yes, please, bring it...your burning wood is so hot...well, I guess that is the idea!

And then the bathtubs at the end....where the heck did that come from?  I thought you were using medicine for erectile you're taking a bath?  And why are you in seperate bathtubs?  And what man takes baths? 

I just don't understand why these commericals are airing so often...and why all us have to constantly see it.  I mean, it's coming on when kids can see!  Watch a baseball game lately?  Erectile dysfunction commericals are popping up at every commercial break!  I think there are a lot of other conditions and pharmaceuticals that could use a little more air time than the constant reminder of ED. 

And that, my friends, is my commentary on the industry of erectile dysfunction commercials.  I know your life can now go on.....

Monday, April 25, 2011

My Definition of Insanity

I have many reasons to be insane.  And am I insane...well, yes, I am!  I have four kids, a husband, a house I cannot keep clean, a job (which is insanity itself), two girl scout troops, other volunteer things, dance, baseball, a baby who now licks deodorant, weight watchers...and a host of other things I want to do, like to do, wish I could mind is never stopping.  However, there are some things that are recent to my heart in terms of insanty. And here they are:

10.  Questions:  All the time.  Constantly.  What's for dinner?  How many points do you have left?  Where is the baby?  What is going on tonight?  What are you doing? Where is my "fill in the blank"?  Why can't I have bread and brownie bites for dinner?  What are Slim Jims made out of?  It never stops.  My life seems like it is a constant series of is driving me nuts!  Silence....I want one question..."Where is the noise?"  And I won't answer it...I'll just enjoy it.  However, this is a pipe dream.

9.  This blasted weather.  I hate it.  Why do I live in Michigan?  Shit!  That's a question!

8.  Buying a Mac.  I love it...don't get me wrong...but I'm scared.  Of IT.  I have hardly been in my den.  It just sits there.  How will I ever have the time to learn how to use it?  I am too busy answering questions!  I need Mike to take the kids far far I can play.  Subtle hint.

7.  Abercrombie.  Taylor is now rejecting some of my ideas for what I want her to wear...hence, alternatives.  I refuse to shop Justice.  Refuse, and that's a whole other post.  So off we go to Abercrombie. God that store makes me feel old.  Why does the music need to be so bloody loud?  And the SMELL!  It's like I'm being gassed in there!  And it is nearly impossible to push a stroller in there.  Those skinny little bitches in there rolling their eyes at me as I push their racks aside are annoyed by me, but guess what sisters?  It's people like me with kids who are paying your salary and can afford to shop here, so I sweetly smile and don't apologize. 

6.  Aging.  I look like hell.  Went to get a laser treatment on my face tonight that felt like I was being pelted with rubber bands and now my face is burning, tingling, and generally hurting.  I now have roascea  to deal with, sun spots all over my face, deep wrinkles on my forehead, big pores, break outs.  What the hell?  I hate's ridiculous.  I don't feel like I should look like blows. 

5. Bathing suits.  Tried some on just for shits and giggles the other day.  Oh god.  Even after losing 30 pounds now...god help me.  I should just get a full scuba suit.  Made of pure a gigantic spanx suit.  Really?  Anything that covers up enough...I look like my mother.  Anything that is cute?  Cellulite and pudge everywhere.  Do I get black?  A bright color?  Who am I kidding?  This has got to be the worst thing in the world.  I'd rather give birth...seriously. 

4.  Family.  Extended that is.  Drive me nuts.  Love them, but geesh.  After traveling to Arizona, having my father in law here for over a week, spending Easter with my parents....I'm done. 

3.  Fox News.

2.  Fox News.....yes, I know I'm repeating myself. 

1.  Fox News at level 62 on the TV.  My father in law just spent a week with us....and we listened to Fox News at level 62 on the TV for a week.  Maddening.  Simply maddening.    Drives me nuts...and it's even worse when it's making your ear drums shake.  Just saw a recent picture of Donald Trump too....he looked orange.  I think he's fake baking....or getting spray tanned...and he's orange.  You make that much money and you can't even get a decent spray tan?  Hmmmm....I don't trust anyone with a bad/orange spray tan.  The man needs help.

What is your definition of insanity? 

Friday, March 11, 2011

Time...Time...It goes so fast!

My god it's been awhile since I've blogged. Why?  A loved/hated/needed/wanted/annoying/awesome/yucky/stressful/good and bad thing called Matilda Jane.

Today I went to the mall to feel "normal"  For the past month and a half I have done nothing normal.  I have done no laundry/cleaning/homework/cooking/living in the past month and a half.  So I went to the mall with Sawyer, and shopped.  Bliss.  And I ran into a very near and dear to my heart old friend.  We met when our youngest babes were 4 and 5 months old.  Lisa is someone I think about every day.  She's the kindest, calmest, one of the sweetest and classiest women I know.  She has always had awesome taste....a wise, calm, thoughtful wisdom of many things that I have often admired. And I realized there are so many women, like Lisa, that I am so thoughtful I know.  I'm going to periodically blog about I thought to myself as I saw her beautiful children that the last time I saw were babies and are now a tall, beautiful young lady with a gorgeous color of hair (I pay  A LOT of money for highlights like hers!) and a young handsome man who is no longer the little baby boy who was shy but curious the last time I saw him, that time is going too quickly.  Crazy.  I feel so old.  I get so caught up in my daily "crap" that I don't realize that time is speeding by.  I can't wait to get together with Lisa and catch up.  I miss her...I miss all my girlfriends.  So, I am going to blog about some of my favorite meaningful women in my life.  I don't want to make anyone feel bad.....but I'm going to blog about some key women in my life that I have known for a very long time.  Some of them will probably want to kill me after I post about them....maybe I'll use psydo names!  But you'll know who you are! 

And time is going so quickly seeing my own kids...sometimes I look at them and think "who the hell are you? where did you come from?  you're mine?  how can you possibly be mine?" the days are so long and the years are so short.  It's going too quickly.  I need to slow down...quickly!  I'm tired of missing people, things, opportunities, etc.  One more more.  I can do this..I can....and then I'm making calls and having some serious girl friend time!!!!

Friday, February 18, 2011

Stamps and Death

Do I have your attention?  So I'm at the post office this week with a crabby, teething baby and a butt load of packages.  Waiting in line....waiting....waiting....waiting....shifting and sighing now...waiting....waiting....losing patience now....waiting...waiting....trying to keep baby happy.....handing baby cell phone to keep him happy....waiting....waiting....waiting....put packages down because arms are going to fall saying loudly "It's Okay Sawyer, we're almost done....this lady will move soon and it will be out starting to lose it and am shooting death starting to encroach on someone's personal space....waiting....waiting....and FINALLY, reach the counter.

Know why I was waiting for so long?  Well, 1. Because the freaking post office can NEVER have more than one window open even when there are 34 people in line...but 2.  Because the old bag at the counter is choosing between the Ronald Reagan stamps and the Chinese New Year stamps with the oranges on them.  The conversation, shortened for your patience level, goes along the lines of her debate on what stamp she should get to mail her letter to a recipient who won't give a flying fig what kind of stamp is on it and will deposit the stamp in a garbage can that will end up dumped into a waste management plant.  She pro/conned the fact that "Ronald Reagan was such a GREAT President...I really should get the Ronald Reagan stamp!" to "Well, the Chinese New Year stamp is so pretty with the orange oranges on it...but are they really oranges or clementines?  Or some kind of citrus that only grows in China?"
If I was the postal clerk at this point I would have gone postal on this woman.

Seriously, this conversation went on for an eternity.  I thought I was going to absolutely freaking LOSE it!  No one cares lady if you buy the stamp with Ronald Reagan's turkey gobble neck or the freaking fruit from China.  NO ONE CARES! The lady working at the postal office could care less, the person getting the letter could care less, and let me tell ya, I could really give a damn!  My arms are going to rip off from their sockets, my kid is now screaming....and the rest of the people in line are also wishing you would just either 1. Decide or 2. Drop dead at the counter so we can step over you and get our mailing done!

Harsh of me?  Yes...fine...I admit it.  I do.  This woman is someone's mother, grandmother, sister, wife, etc.  But seriously...please enlighten me....why the hell does it matter what stamp you put on a letter?  Is this what happens when you get old?  Is this all there is to look forward to?  Memories of past dead Presidents with turkey gobble necks or citrus fruits...on STAMPS?  If it is, prepare my burial plot now.  I'm ready. 

Oh...just so you can sleep tonight...she chose Ronny.  RIP.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Why my kids each have 30 pairs of underwear....


It's been a long time since I've been glad to be back!  Why have I been gone? Why am I thinking I'm the smartest woman in the world for my kids having 30 pairs of underwear each....really?!?  Because I've been living the Matilda Jane life.  For over two weeks my life has consisted of a mad rush to order clothing, have shows, and deal with multiple work issues.  It was mayhem.  And I'm so glad it's over...except that I have to do it again in March.....
This is what my computer screen looked like much of the last two weeks.....oy!

But the last few days have been great...because I finally get to enjoy my kids again...and got to spend a night out with Mike as well!  So some pics....nothing too fancy...just my enjoyment!
My beautiful girls before their ballet performance....I can't believe how old Payton looks here.  They did such a beautiful job...such a pleasure to watch them dance!

And Noah and I had a cute is this boy?  God I hope he never finds a woman he loves more than his momma!  We went for sushi and then to the bookstore.  So enjoyable....loved every second.  I've got to do this more often!

And then there is Sawyer...always there is Sawyer.  He visited Kindergarten today....since when is my baby old enough to sit at a table like a big boy like this?
Yup, just a kindy dude...having some animal crackers.

Then we hung out on the big chairs....

Time for computers....gotta check his facebook page....
Listen up kids....

Now it's getting ridiculous!  He owns this place!

I've missed being here and documenting my silly crazy life.  I can't wait to come back tomorrow!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

A Sad Day For Me....

Well, this is going to be a personal blog entry....not my usual sarcasm...although I'm sure some of it will come through.  I don't like to talk abut what I'm going to talk about....mainly because I really wish the subject would just go away.  I don't like to bother people about it, don't like to talk about it, don't want to acknowledge that it's happening to me, or that I've fallen victim to something, because that really pisses me off. 
I have had Rheumatoid Arthritis for years now...officially diagnosed after I had Payton, but when I look back it started after Taylor.  What is RA?  It's an autoimmune disease, and it sucks.  It is my body attacking my joints...every joint in my body.  It causes extreme fatigue, aches, sharp pain, swelling, nearly every joint in my body.  I hate this thing.  So evil.  It has taken away a part of me I hope I can someday get back...but right now I don't know if that will ever happen.  I have good days, and I have really bad.  Basically it's like having the flu every day...the sharp aches and pains, fatigue that I can't explain....a desperateness in my body I just can't get a hold of.  My knees are the worst...I have the ugliest knees you have ever seen...they have swelling in them ranging from a golf ball to a tennis ball every ball is good, tennis ball I'm not leaving the house and I'm crawling up stairs.  The thing that really sucks is that RA is really an invisible disease.  I'm not losing my hair, having surgery, there are no marks on me.  It's an internal battle every day.  Every hour.  One hour I can feel fine...the next I'm in tears.  I think of it as a "thing" that I want to hurt, battle, destroy...but unfortunately most days it's doing this to me.  I don't really talk about it much....I just want it to go away.  But it's not.  I have had to take huge doses of steroids in the past few years....and while it has gotten me through, it's not working anymore.  The only thing it is doing now is making me gain more weight.  And the steroids have really awful side effects...not what you think of when you think steroids...they aren't the anabolic kind...I'm not entering any weight lifting contests!  They are starting to affect my organs, my bone density, and they are making me pack on weight that just is not healthy.  I went off my biologic shots when I wanted to get pregnant with Sawyer, was pregnant with him, and while I'm still nursing.  But it has gotten so bad I can't do it anymore without this drug I hate to take.
This is my Humira shot.  I have to self inject it every other week now.  And god does it hurt....burns like hell as the medicine is going in.  I hate this thing.  It has side effects too..the biggest is putting me at a risk of developing lymphoma.  But what to do?  I have to take that risk because I'm not functioning.  RA goes into remission when I'm pregnant....hence I LOVE being pregnant!  I feel more normal pregnant than weird is that?  But after, it gets worse each time...coming back with a vengence.  So I finally had to give in.  And I feel like such a failure.  I don't want to rely on this awful thing...I want to be and feel like the person I used to be, and it makes me so sad that I'm not a strong enough person to do it without this. I want to be able to beat this by myself, not rely on this medicine that costs $1500 a shot (thank god for insurance...never underestimate your insurance!) and has to be drop shipped to me from a specialty pharmacy and it's like trying to get national security clearance to get delivered to my house. 
Damn this thing!  Go away!  It will take 6-8 weeks for the shots to take effect as it builds up in my body enough to make a difference...hopefully it works again.  It did after Payton....but it can change.  I will start weaning myself from steriods soon too...and hopefully my gut and my moon face will go away too. 
I guess the biggest thing I'd like is for people to realize that just because people don't have an outer symptom, they may be really hurting inside.  I try to remind myself of this every day...when the lady at pottery barn was a complete bitch to me last week as I was rolling my stroller around I tried to remind myself maybe her snapiness is not me, that she has some inner pain.  People with chronic pain and diseases like this don't want sympathy...I hate sympathy.  I don't want to accept sympathy because that to me means I'm giving in and I'm weak.  I hate weakness in myself.  I just need understanding.  I need to give myself a break and let myself be weak for a minute...but if I do I'm afraid I'll never get back up. 

Okay...done.  Pity party, griping, and airing my dirty diseased laundry is over.  Time to buck back up.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone, and if it means me having it and prevents someone else, like god forbid my kids, getting it, I'm happy to take it.  Good health to everyone...and remember in your daily interactions with anyone, sometimes pain is really masked.  Being nice matters....and thanks for being nice to me!  :)  I'm very lucky to have the people in my life that I do!

Monday, January 24, 2011

It's X-rated Monday night!

Okay, don't judge.  Here is an x-rated blog cover the innocent children's eyes and ears.

Does anyone else's husbands just do crazy things like this?
He just comes into my den while I'm working, plops this down on my desk, and starts cracking up, giving me the "eye".  What does this mean?  Can't you see I'm working?  Really? 
Just when do men outgrow things like this?  I mean, we have FOUR KIDS!  He's got an MBA and works for a major corporation....he has a mortgage...he's a "big boy".  Really?

Or this one: the heck do you turn these pics?

 So this cute little lunch box I'm using to put hair bows in for work.  So, it's sitting on the counter, and he says, "I don't know, how many licks does it take?"  (insert eyebrow wiggle and wink).
Really? I mean, does everything have to take a meaning like this?  This all coming from the man who is telling me I can't have another baby.  Also after his facebook status concerns making a pass at me tonight.  Honey, ya gotta do better than a facebook status....although I know he was just being sweet because I'm totally peeved at not losing any weight this week.

So when do men outgrow constantly thinking about "IT".  Talking about "IT".  Making jokes about "IT".  Making references to "IT".  Turning all attention to "IT"?????

Maybe I'm totally outing my dear sweet husband who is going to kill me when he reads this post as a total pervert.  And maybe I'm outing myself and my family as weirdos and people will run screaming away from  us from now on, whispering "You know about those Jordans....let me tell you what she wrote on her blog!"

Mike tells me all men make comments like this....hmmmmm.....makes me wonder......