Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Let's Talk About Erectile Dysfunction Commercials!

Erectile Dysfunction commericals are so ridiculous lately....I swear last night I must have seen 6 of these.  I don't mean to belittle this overtalked about and overglorified important problem, but must I see it during my tv shows repeatedly? And I swear to god, it just came on the TV as I'm writing this blog!  It was a sign that I must speak! Especially when they are as ridiculous as the new Cialis commercial.  It goes something like this:
Multiple scenerios between three sets of couples:
1. A romantic moment between a couple cleaning their garage.....they touch hands over a box and he gives her the look...they are then embracing in the garage....ready to go, loving each other so much....
2. A couple dining by candlelight in their kitchen....she brushes a crumb from the corner of her husband's mouth...and next scene they are headed up the stairs....
3.  And my favorite....a couple raking leaves.....they touch the rake at the same time...next scene they are pitching a tent in the back yard and getting settled around a campfire and he's giving her the "eye"....

And it ends with each couple next to each other each in a bathtub....

Ummmm......I need to find out who Cialis's marketing/advertising company is and tell them they are complete dingbats.  My take:

Scenerio 1:  Well, last weekend Mike and I cleaned out our garage, and the last thing I wanted to do is drop down on my garage floor and go at it.  It was not romantic....we were yelling at the kids to find something to do, it was filthy, and we both stunk to high hell.  The last thing on my mind was "let's get busy honey...you're so sexy cleaning the garage!"  I wanted him to haul the crap I wanted gone to the curb faster and follow my directions quicker so we could get this over with.  The only looks between us cleaning the garage were dirty ones...and not that dirty...evil eyes!  ....um....not my idea of a "come hither" moment.

Scenerio 2: No candlelight in my house...I'm afraid of flame candles.  All of mine are battery operated.  I've got 4 kids, I don't need someone knocking a candle over and burning the damn house down.  Also, in this house there is no time for candlelight....4 kids are hungry, I'm starving...and we've got to get in the car to take someone to something.  Also, if any woman wipes the corner of her husband's face, I need to slap her face.  He can wipe his own mouth--you're not his mother and that's just weird....no way am I wiping Mike's, I've got 4 other faces to wipe, and 40 sticky fingers too.  Not romantic....and I'm not heading for the bedroom after I wipe everyone down.

Scenerio 3:  Now this one is really funny to me.  You tell me a woman who is turned on by raking leaves outside with her husband, and I'll get you a thong-wearing lawn boy for a year.  This scene is crazy ridiculous!  They think pitching a tent is romantic?  (Ha!  Pitching a tent....see the symbolism?)  Anyone who knows me at all knows that pitching a tent is the LEAST romantic thing I can EVER think of doing!  Pitch me a tent to try and be romantic and you'll be digging a ditch to bury your dreams of getting any!  And then the campfire!  Sure, I want you near me when you stink like outdoor smoke and burning wood...yes, please, bring it...your burning wood is so hot...well, I guess that is the idea!

And then the bathtubs at the end....where the heck did that come from?  I thought you were using medicine for erectile dysfunction...now you're taking a bath?  And why are you in seperate bathtubs?  And what man takes baths? 

I just don't understand why these commericals are airing so often...and why all us have to constantly see it.  I mean, it's coming on when kids can see!  Watch a baseball game lately?  Erectile dysfunction commericals are popping up at every commercial break!  I think there are a lot of other conditions and pharmaceuticals that could use a little more air time than the constant reminder of ED. 

And that, my friends, is my commentary on the industry of erectile dysfunction commercials.  I know your life can now go on.....

Monday, April 25, 2011

My Definition of Insanity

I have many reasons to be insane.  And am I insane...well, yes, I am!  I have four kids, a husband, a house I cannot keep clean, a job (which is insanity itself), two girl scout troops, other volunteer things, dance, baseball, a baby who now licks deodorant, weight watchers...and a host of other things I want to do, like to do, wish I could do...my mind is never stopping.  However, there are some things that are recent to my heart in terms of insanty. And here they are:

10.  Questions:  All the time.  Constantly.  What's for dinner?  How many points do you have left?  Where is the baby?  What is going on tonight?  What are you doing? Where is my "fill in the blank"?  Why can't I have bread and brownie bites for dinner?  What are Slim Jims made out of?  It never stops.  My life seems like it is a constant series of questions....it is driving me nuts!  Silence....I want one question..."Where is the noise?"  And I won't answer it...I'll just enjoy it.  However, this is a pipe dream.

9.  This blasted weather.  I hate it.  Why do I live in Michigan?  Shit!  That's a question!

8.  Buying a Mac.  I love it...don't get me wrong...but I'm scared.  Of IT.  I have hardly been in my den.  It just sits there.  How will I ever have the time to learn how to use it?  I am too busy answering questions!  I need Mike to take the kids far far away...so I can play.  Subtle hint.

7.  Abercrombie.  Taylor is now rejecting some of my ideas for what I want her to wear...hence, alternatives.  I refuse to shop Justice.  Refuse, and that's a whole other post.  So off we go to Abercrombie. God that store makes me feel old.  Why does the music need to be so bloody loud?  And the SMELL!  It's like I'm being gassed in there!  And it is nearly impossible to push a stroller in there.  Those skinny little bitches in there rolling their eyes at me as I push their racks aside are annoyed by me, but guess what sisters?  It's people like me with kids who are paying your salary and can afford to shop here, so I sweetly smile and don't apologize. 

6.  Aging.  I look like hell.  Went to get a laser treatment on my face tonight that felt like I was being pelted with rubber bands and now my face is burning, tingling, and generally hurting.  I now have roascea  to deal with, sun spots all over my face, deep wrinkles on my forehead, big pores, break outs.  What the hell?  I hate it...it's ridiculous.  I don't feel like I should look like this....it blows. 

5. Bathing suits.  Tried some on just for shits and giggles the other day.  Oh god.  Even after losing 30 pounds now...god help me.  I should just get a full scuba suit.  Made of pure spandex...like a gigantic spanx suit.  Really?  Anything that covers up enough...I look like my mother.  Anything that is cute?  Cellulite and pudge everywhere.  Do I get black?  A bright color?  Who am I kidding?  This has got to be the worst thing in the world.  I'd rather give birth...seriously. 

4.  Family.  Extended that is.  Drive me nuts.  Love them, but geesh.  After traveling to Arizona, having my father in law here for over a week, spending Easter with my parents....I'm done. 

3.  Fox News.

2.  Fox News.....yes, I know I'm repeating myself. 

1.  Fox News at level 62 on the TV.  My father in law just spent a week with us....and we listened to Fox News at level 62 on the TV for a week.  Maddening.  Simply maddening.    Drives me nuts...and it's even worse when it's making your ear drums shake.  Just saw a recent picture of Donald Trump too....he looked orange.  I think he's fake baking....or getting spray tanned...and he's orange.  You make that much money and you can't even get a decent spray tan?  Hmmmm....I don't trust anyone with a bad/orange spray tan.  The man needs help.

What is your definition of insanity? 

Friday, March 11, 2011

Time...Time...It goes so fast!

My god it's been awhile since I've blogged. Why?  A loved/hated/needed/wanted/annoying/awesome/yucky/stressful/good and bad thing called Matilda Jane.

Today I went to the mall to feel "normal"  For the past month and a half I have done nothing normal.  I have done no laundry/cleaning/homework/cooking/living in the past month and a half.  So I went to the mall with Sawyer, and shopped.  Bliss.  And I ran into a very near and dear to my heart old friend.  We met when our youngest babes were 4 and 5 months old.  Lisa is someone I think about every day.  She's the kindest, calmest, one of the sweetest and classiest women I know.  She has always had awesome taste....a wise, calm, thoughtful wisdom of many things that I have often admired. And I realized there are so many women, like Lisa, that I am so thoughtful I know.  I'm going to periodically blog about them....today I thought to myself as I saw her beautiful children that the last time I saw were babies and are now a tall, beautiful young lady with a gorgeous color of hair (I pay  A LOT of money for highlights like hers!) and a young handsome man who is no longer the little baby boy who was shy but curious the last time I saw him, that time is going too quickly.  Crazy.  I feel so old.  I get so caught up in my daily "crap" that I don't realize that time is speeding by.  I can't wait to get together with Lisa and catch up.  I miss her...I miss all my girlfriends.  So, I am going to blog about some of my favorite meaningful women in my life.  I don't want to make anyone feel bad.....but I'm going to blog about some key women in my life that I have known for a very long time.  Some of them will probably want to kill me after I post about them....maybe I'll use psydo names!  But you'll know who you are! 

And time is going so quickly seeing my own kids...sometimes I look at them and think "who the hell are you? where did you come from?  you're mine?  how can you possibly be mine?" the days are so long and the years are so short.  It's going too quickly.  I need to slow down...quickly!  I'm tired of missing people, things, opportunities, etc.  One more week...one more.  I can do this..I can....and then I'm making calls and having some serious girl friend time!!!!

Friday, February 18, 2011

Stamps and Death

Do I have your attention?  So I'm at the post office this week with a crabby, teething baby and a butt load of packages.  Waiting in line....waiting....waiting....waiting....shifting and sighing now...waiting....waiting....losing patience now....waiting...waiting....trying to keep baby happy.....handing baby cell phone to keep him happy....waiting....waiting....waiting....put packages down because arms are going to fall off....waiting....waiting.....waiting....now saying loudly "It's Okay Sawyer, we're almost done....this lady will move soon and it will be out turn....waiting....waiting....waiting.....now starting to lose it and am shooting death looks....waiting....waiting....now starting to encroach on someone's personal space....waiting....waiting....and FINALLY, reach the counter.

Know why I was waiting for so long?  Well, 1. Because the freaking post office can NEVER have more than one window open even when there are 34 people in line...but 2.  Because the old bag at the counter is choosing between the Ronald Reagan stamps and the Chinese New Year stamps with the oranges on them.  The conversation, shortened for your patience level, goes along the lines of her debate on what stamp she should get to mail her letter to a recipient who won't give a flying fig what kind of stamp is on it and will deposit the stamp in a garbage can that will end up dumped into a waste management plant.  She pro/conned the fact that "Ronald Reagan was such a GREAT President...I really should get the Ronald Reagan stamp!" to "Well, the Chinese New Year stamp is so pretty with the orange oranges on it...but are they really oranges or clementines?  Or some kind of citrus that only grows in China?"
If I was the postal clerk at this point I would have gone postal on this woman.

Seriously, this conversation went on for an eternity.  I thought I was going to absolutely freaking LOSE it!  No one cares lady if you buy the stamp with Ronald Reagan's turkey gobble neck or the freaking fruit from China.  NO ONE CARES! The lady working at the postal office could care less, the person getting the letter could care less, and let me tell ya, I could really give a damn!  My arms are going to rip off from their sockets, my kid is now screaming....and the rest of the people in line are also wishing you would just either 1. Decide or 2. Drop dead at the counter so we can step over you and get our mailing done!

Harsh of me?  Yes...fine...I admit it.  I do.  This woman is someone's mother, grandmother, sister, wife, etc.  But seriously...please enlighten me....why the hell does it matter what stamp you put on a letter?  Is this what happens when you get old?  Is this all there is to look forward to?  Memories of past dead Presidents with turkey gobble necks or citrus fruits...on STAMPS?  If it is, prepare my burial plot now.  I'm ready. 

Oh...just so you can sleep tonight...she chose Ronny.  RIP.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Why my kids each have 30 pairs of underwear....

I'm BAAAACCCKKK!

It's been a long time since I've been here....so glad to be back!  Why have I been gone? Why am I thinking I'm the smartest woman in the world for my kids having 30 pairs of underwear each....really?!?  Because I've been living the Matilda Jane life.  For over two weeks my life has consisted of a mad rush to order clothing, have shows, and deal with multiple work issues.  It was mayhem.  And I'm so glad it's over...except that I have to do it again in March.....
This is what my computer screen looked like much of the last two weeks.....oy!

But the last few days have been great...because I finally get to enjoy my kids again...and got to spend a night out with Mike as well!  So some pics....nothing too fancy...just my enjoyment!
My beautiful girls before their ballet performance....I can't believe how old Payton looks here.  They did such a beautiful job...such a pleasure to watch them dance!

And Noah and I had a date....how cute is this boy?  God I hope he never finds a woman he loves more than his momma!  We went for sushi and then to the bookstore.  So enjoyable....loved every second.  I've got to do this more often!

And then there is Sawyer...always there is Sawyer.  He visited Kindergarten today....since when is my baby old enough to sit at a table like a big boy like this?
Yup, just a kindy dude...having some animal crackers.

Then we hung out on the big chairs....

Time for computers....gotta check his facebook page....
Listen up kids....

Now it's getting ridiculous!  He owns this place!

I've missed being here and documenting my silly crazy life.  I can't wait to come back tomorrow!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

A Sad Day For Me....

Well, this is going to be a personal blog entry....not my usual sarcasm...although I'm sure some of it will come through.  I don't like to talk abut what I'm going to talk about....mainly because I really wish the subject would just go away.  I don't like to bother people about it, don't like to talk about it, don't want to acknowledge that it's happening to me, or that I've fallen victim to something, because that really pisses me off. 
I have had Rheumatoid Arthritis for years now...officially diagnosed after I had Payton, but when I look back it started after Taylor.  What is RA?  It's an autoimmune disease, and it sucks.  It is my body attacking my joints...every joint in my body.  It causes extreme fatigue, aches, sharp pain, swelling, burning...in nearly every joint in my body.  I hate this thing.  So evil.  It has taken away a part of me I hope I can someday get back...but right now I don't know if that will ever happen.  I have good days, and I have really bad.  Basically it's like having the flu every day...the sharp aches and pains, fatigue that I can't explain....a desperateness in my body I just can't get a hold of.  My knees are the worst...I have the ugliest knees you have ever seen...they have swelling in them ranging from a golf ball to a tennis ball every day...golf ball is good, tennis ball I'm not leaving the house and I'm crawling up stairs.  The thing that really sucks is that RA is really an invisible disease.  I'm not losing my hair, having surgery, there are no marks on me.  It's an internal battle every day.  Every hour.  One hour I can feel fine...the next I'm in tears.  I think of it as a "thing" that I want to hurt, battle, destroy...but unfortunately most days it's doing this to me.  I don't really talk about it much....I just want it to go away.  But it's not.  I have had to take huge doses of steroids in the past few years....and while it has gotten me through, it's not working anymore.  The only thing it is doing now is making me gain more weight.  And the steroids have really awful side effects...not what you think of when you think steroids...they aren't the anabolic kind...I'm not entering any weight lifting contests!  They are starting to affect my organs, my bone density, and they are making me pack on weight that just is not healthy.  I went off my biologic shots when I wanted to get pregnant with Sawyer, was pregnant with him, and while I'm still nursing.  But it has gotten so bad I can't do it anymore without this drug I hate to take.
This is my Humira shot.  I have to self inject it every other week now.  And god does it hurt....burns like hell as the medicine is going in.  I hate this thing.  It has side effects too..the biggest is putting me at a risk of developing lymphoma.  But what to do?  I have to take that risk because I'm not functioning.  RA goes into remission when I'm pregnant....hence I LOVE being pregnant!  I feel more normal pregnant than not....how weird is that?  But after, it gets worse each time...coming back with a vengence.  So I finally had to give in.  And I feel like such a failure.  I don't want to rely on this awful thing...I want to be and feel like the person I used to be, and it makes me so sad that I'm not a strong enough person to do it without this. I want to be able to beat this by myself, not rely on this medicine that costs $1500 a shot (thank god for insurance...never underestimate your insurance!) and has to be drop shipped to me from a specialty pharmacy and it's like trying to get national security clearance to get delivered to my house. 
Damn this thing!  Go away!  It will take 6-8 weeks for the shots to take effect as it builds up in my body enough to make a difference...hopefully it works again.  It did after Payton....but it can change.  I will start weaning myself from steriods soon too...and hopefully my gut and my moon face will go away too. 
I guess the biggest thing I'd like is for people to realize that just because people don't have an outer symptom, they may be really hurting inside.  I try to remind myself of this every day...when the lady at pottery barn was a complete bitch to me last week as I was rolling my stroller around I tried to remind myself maybe her snapiness is not me, that she has some inner pain.  People with chronic pain and diseases like this don't want sympathy...I hate sympathy.  I don't want to accept sympathy because that to me means I'm giving in and I'm weak.  I hate weakness in myself.  I just need understanding.  I need to give myself a break and let myself be weak for a minute...but if I do I'm afraid I'll never get back up. 

Okay...done.  Pity party, griping, and airing my dirty diseased laundry is over.  Time to buck back up.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone, and if it means me having it and prevents someone else, like god forbid my kids, getting it, I'm happy to take it.  Good health to everyone...and remember in your daily interactions with anyone, sometimes pain is really masked.  Being nice matters....and thanks for being nice to me!  :)  I'm very lucky to have the people in my life that I do!

Monday, January 24, 2011

It's X-rated Monday night!

Okay, don't judge.  Here is an x-rated blog entry...so cover the innocent children's eyes and ears.

Does anyone else's husbands just do crazy things like this?
He just comes into my den while I'm working, plops this down on my desk, and starts cracking up, giving me the "eye".  What does this mean?  Can't you see I'm working?  Really? 
Just when do men outgrow things like this?  I mean, we have FOUR KIDS!  He's got an MBA and works for a major corporation....he has a mortgage...he's a "big boy".  Really?

Or this one:

Sorry...how the heck do you turn these pics?

 So this cute little lunch box I'm using to put hair bows in for work.  So, it's sitting on the counter, and he says, "I don't know, how many licks does it take?"  (insert eyebrow wiggle and wink).
Really? I mean, does everything have to take a meaning like this?  This all coming from the man who is telling me I can't have another baby.  Also after his facebook status concerns making a pass at me tonight.  Honey, ya gotta do better than a facebook status....although I know he was just being sweet because I'm totally peeved at not losing any weight this week.

So when do men outgrow constantly thinking about "IT".  Talking about "IT".  Making jokes about "IT".  Making references to "IT".  Turning all attention to "IT"?????

Maybe I'm totally outing my dear sweet husband who is going to kill me when he reads this post as a total pervert.  And maybe I'm outing myself and my family as weirdos and people will run screaming away from  us from now on, whispering "You know about those Jordans....let me tell you what she wrote on her blog!"

Mike tells me all men make comments like this....hmmmmm.....makes me wonder......

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Sunday Hodgepodge

I have numerous thoughts spinning in my head tonight.  Numerous gripes I should more or less say.
1.  Freaking Weight Watchers.  I have been SO good this week and GAINED 0.3 pounds.  WTH?  I'm having a mini pity party for myself right now...all I want to do is stuff a loaf of bread and a wedge of cheese down my throat.  Instead I'm eating tasteless popcorn.  This is going to be a long ass road....
2.  If I call my rheumatologists office tomorrow and my prescription for my RA meds is not taken care of, Ashley, the rude receptionist who treats me like an idiot and is so condescending is going to get an earfull from me.  She does not even know what is ahead of her if this has not been taken care of.
3.  I am so glad Sunday night is over....Sunday night is so overwhelming.  I don't know why, but it always is.  Getting all 4 kids bathed is a major undertaking....just the whole prep for the next week....I should enjoy Sunday, we all should...it's the weekend!  But does anyone else just get overwhelmed starting Sunday afternoon?  This needs to change!
4.  I love listening to my kids have conversations with Mike.  It's hilarious sometimes.  One of my favorite things to do is just eavesdrop on them.  Tonight I heard, "Daddy, do dingos really eat humans?"
I walk into the living room and they are all watching "I shouldn't be alive"...Mike's favorite show.  Noah is under the blanket next to Mike....afraid of the dingos perhaps.  Yes, the girl's have curlers in their hair...another stressful part of my night....rolling hair in pink foam curlers.  Payton will look like Shirley Temple in the morning and cry because it's "too curly"...even though she BEGGED me to roll it tonight.  The grass is always greener....
Anyways, apparently someone was about to be eaten by a dingo or was being eaten by a dingo, or something.  Quality parenting.  At least it's better than the Simpson's, which I despise, and had to listen to Mike and Noah crying laughing over tonight.  NO ONE is more annoying that Bart and Homer Simpson.
5.  Overheard Mike talking to Payton about her lunch as well..."Payton, do you want edamame in your lunch?" (She LOVES edamame).
Payton:  Ugly, puking face being made "Ughhhh, NOOOO!"
Mike:  "You love edamame"
Payton:  "Nope, not anymore...just give me some chocolate.  I NEED some chocolate!"
Mike: Exasperated sigh.
Some innocent little boy playing with his Legos had no idea that in 20 years he is going to meet Payton and his life will be over. 
Off to online shop.....since I can't eat.  I need to make myself feel better somehow!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

I have completely gone downhill as a mother....Number 1 vs. Number 4

I came across the most pathetic, funny, ridiculous, over the top document on my computer today.  It is called "Taylor Care"....I don't remember where Mike and I were going, but we were obviously leaving her with with his parents.  What I wrote way back then is in black....my first child.  God I was young and dumb.  I'll write in red what it is like now, for Sawyer, my poor 4th child.

Taylor Care
Schedule:  Ummmm...Taylor had a schedule?  There is no freaking schedule! 

Between 7 and :  Are you freaking kidding me?  Between 7 and 8 AM?  I'm fast asleep at that time now! You will hear her start to wake up on the monitor, Monitor is usually turned WAY down so he doesn't wake me up  anywhere in this hour.  Unless it sounds like she is absolutely screaming bloody murder, give her approx. 15-20 minutes to wake up.  You will hear her talking, etc. to herself.  Sawyer is absolutely screaming to get me up there.

Wake Up:  She usually likes to hang out in her crib or her room upon waking up for a little while, reading books, looking at magnets, etc.No toys in crib...crib is for night night....we all must sleep...sleep...SLEEP!

Go Downstairs:  She likes to have juice first thing.  Sawyer usually gets some juice about 10 am when he's yanking and pulling at me and I say "Oh shit...I haven't given you anything to drink yet!"

Juice Directions:  Any sippy cupyou can use disposable cups or Playtexremember that Playtex cups need valve in lid.  Did I really have this many different kinds of sippy cups?  You're getting juice kid...let's not be picky about the cup you're drinking it in.Cups and bowls are all in the top cabinet to the left of the sink.  Put in more than 2/3 water from fridge and then top off with juice. Was I completely insane?  What???   Don’t be surprised if she drinks through one very quickly and asks for anotherthat is fine.Enjoy it kid...it might be the last cup of juice you get til 3 pm and I say "shit, you're done with that juice from this morning?"

TV Shows:  On Channel 9 at is the first
Sesame Street
. Sawyer has never seen Sesame Street. She will probably want you to sit on the couch with her and she will snuggle.Sawyer would laugh at me if I tried to sit on the couch with him and snuggle...did I really have this much time on my hands?  However, sometimes she right off the bat wants to play at the same time she watches.
*She may ask for a banana during the first hour, and I let her eat it on the couch.  Basically, she is allowed to eat anything “dry” on the couch. Anyone that has been to my house in the last 2 years knows that NO ONE EATS ON MY COUCH!  YOU ARE LUCKY YOU ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH I COVETED FROM POTTERY BARN FOR YEARS AND FINALLY HAVE!  GET SOMETHING ON MY COUCH AND DIE!

*At we switch over to channel 67 for the Wigglesit’s about 20 minutes long.  Now, I miss the Wiggles...but they were never the same after Greg left the group.

*After the Wiggles we switch to Channel 6 for the second
Sesame Street
.  Or, if she does not want to watch the Wiggles, she can immediately start watching the second
Sesame Street
.Okay, my first kid watched a lot of TV....Sawyer does not watch TV.

Breakfast:  Usually after is when she will want to eatshe eats at end chair near the doorwall.Kid, just sit anywhere while I have time to feed you.  She will watch TV as she eats.  I put down a paper towel and give her a bowl of Cheerios (which are in pantry) with 2% milk. Oh my god I was truly insane. Spoons are in silverware drawer right of sink.  Sometimes she will ask for more Cheerios.

After Breakfast:  You can get her dressed now or wait if she wants to play. Sawyer is usually in his pj's all day...unless we are going out...and only then if he's lucky Wipe face with wipes that are in cabinet under the phone.Usually wearing breakfast on his face when Daddy get's homeat 6 pm.

Continuing TV:  Teletubbies come on at on Channel 6, followed by Barney.  Usually both are on, but she is doing other things by now. Really more TV?

Getting Dressed:  What usually works best is if I bring the clothes downstairs and get her dressed in front of the TV.  There are diapers up in her closet organizer or under the phone with the wipes. I changed Taylor's diaper in the morning?  Usually it's about 11 when Sawyer gets his.... Ponies and combs are in her vanity drawer, a white comb is also in the wooden organizer by the phone in the kitchen (in the front compartments).At least I have this going for me with the 4th being a boy....no hair stuff!

Activities for the day:  Her favorites are:  markers, puzzles, stickers, books, stuff in the playroom such as chalkboards, bears, trains, etc.  Playdough is in the cupboard above phone. Playdough makes a freaking mess and is the devil's toy! Stickers, markers, paper, etc. are in hall closet in art cart.  Please supervise with markers and white board markers. What's she going to do, stab herself?  Here Sawyer, play with scissors while mommy takes her shower! 
*The computer is a big hit too.  Turn on computer, after it boots up hit the blue “e” on bottom for internet.  Go to favorites on the top and go to Taylor.  There are several sites for herfavorites are the
Sesame Street
sites.
*She likes walks and going in her red or green car.  Also likes to take her baby out in the stroller for walks on the sidewalk.
*Park at Wixom Library in the back or Gilbert Willis play structure.
*She also likes the pet store on Haggerty just south of maple (Petsmart by Target).


Lunch:  She usually does not snack before lunch, Sawyer would not eat if he didn't snack...who has time to go through this whole feeding thing again? but she can of course have anything she wants or that you offer.  Usually around she will eat lunch, but give or take considering when she ate breakfast and how much.  For lunch you can give her the following, which is also basically her diet as a whole:
·       Cheesestrips or slices
·       Applesauce
·       Peanut butter and jellyon white bread, cut in two diamonds Really?
·       Chips
·       Triscuits
·       Crackers (chocolate, goldfish, etc.)
·       Yogurt
·       Macaroni and cheesejust make sure it is plenty cooland sometimes this is iffy. Could be a waste of your time though.
·       Bananas
·       Oranges
·       Pear slicesI cut them up
·       She also has chicken nuggets and tater tots in freezerthese are good for dinner for her especiallycut them up after taking out of oven and stick in freezer on a plate for a few minutes to cool downshe will freak out if too hot
·       Pizza and garlic/cheese bread
God, this is so much variety and so healthy!  I don't want protective services showing up at my door, so I'll plead the 5th on this one!

Naptime:  At is usually a good time. Kid, it' s12:30, I'm done, you are going to bed Change diaper before nap.That is really funny!  Tell her it’s nappy time, that nappies make us happy, and it is time to go upstairs to take a nap.There is no explanation, talking about it, etc....it's happening...NOW!
She may resist, may not.  Do it anyway.The first sane thing in this whole thing! She understands when you tell her that naps are important and that we all take them, and you will do more fun stuff after naptime. Go in room and do a check for catsbehind chair, under vanity, and under crib.  Put stuffed animals, books, magnets, etc. at end of crib (cover books with one of her blankies).  We usually tell her one book, which ends up to be 2 or 3.  Then when it is time, Pick her up, hold her so she is facing away from you leaning back, and begin to rock.  She may ask you to sing the sunshine song (You are my sunshine), bus (wheels on the bus), itsy (itsy bitsy spider), hush little baby, or baa baa (baa baa black sheep with her selected colors--what the hell?  Selected colors?  Oh my god why was I not committed?).  She will probably rub your left arm that is kinda slung over her left shoulder.  It sometimes takes 10 minutes to get her to sleep, sometimes 25--you have got to be kidding me!  Sawyer gets 3 minutes...tops...TOPS!.  She will go with persistence, and a nap is necessary.  As she stops moving her hand on your arm you can cradle her so she is laying across your lap with her head on left arm of chair.  Once she has her eyes closed and is sucking thumb for a good 5 minutes or so (if the thumb falls out when her eyes are closed she’s out), lift her up in the same laying down position and put her in crib along closest bumper, head at top near door.It's like trying to coordinate world peace!!!  Seriously, what the HELL was I thinking?  This is getting embarrassing!  Then leave!  **Oh, important, put fan on the highest level of noise when you go into room to read booksfan is important!**
*If she resists a nap,there is no resisting....it's happening....I don't care what the hell you do or say get her as sleepy as possible and put her in crib awakeif she stands up and cries you are probably out of luck.No Sawyer, you are out of luck.  It is okay to leave her in her crib for a while to see if she goes to sleepup to one hour unless she is absolutely screaming bloody murder.Oh, you'll be screaming bloody murder....and you'll be up there for 3 hours.

If you get her down for a nap she should sleep for 2-3 hours.Damn straight!  Listen on monitor. Hilarious! If she sleeps longer than that, let her!  Just make sure she is up by ish.Sawyer is going to bed at 6:30...Taylor is just getting up?

Wake up:  Same as morninglet her wake up a little bit first before you go up there (at least 10-15 minutes, but can be longer if she is not screaming).Oh my good lord, really? 
After nap:  Up to youcan do basically whateverusually she likes to go outside if nice out.  She usually wants a sippy of juice when she gets up.

Dinner:  Time depends on when she gets up from nap7 or .  She will not eat well if she has dinner right after nap.
*Can have anything for dinner (refer to food list)Lucky you are getting dinner between dance, scouts, Matilda Jane, phone, homework, fighting, screaming, emails........
*Likes to watch a video while you are making dinner and during dinner usually.

Nighttime:  GG’s are in second drawer on left side of dressershe can pick out if she wants.  Diapers, again, are in closet.  Wipes are on top of dresser.  Bedtime is 9-9:30,I am done with ALL KIDS by 8....ALL depending on when she got up from nap.  Go in room, fan on medium level, do a cat check.  Close door and she will want to read or play with kitchen, vanity, feed/rock her baby, etc. to stall time.  Toys in room?  NO!  Bedrooms are for sleeping...we are going night night...we all need sleep, sleep, SLEEP!!!!!When it is time for sleep, lights out, and rock as before (see naptime routine).  Goodnight, crib, goodnight. However, she does not need to fall asleep on you.  Will want you to sing most likely, and rock for approx 10-15 minutes. I'm 1/4 way through a bottle of wine by now! Put her in crib laying down and she will go to sleep on her own!

Your freedom:  Listen to her on monitor, rarely does she wake up now. 

Phone Numbers:  Our cell phone:  248-980-5544
Mike Work: 313-337-9723
Pediatrician: 248-855-7510

Alarm:  Can set it at night.  All doors must be closed.  Wait for ready light and push 0625 Stay (or #3).  Red light will come on and unit will beep.  Just remember to turn it off in morning before opening doors0625 Off (or #1)No longer have an alarm company as I have 4 kids, we are poor, and who would want to break into a house with 4 kids and a crazy mother/wife?

I am seriously in awe at how ridiculous this is.  And I totally know now why Taylor is as messed up as she is, and why Sawyer will be normal.  Don't get me wrong...I love Taylor more than anything and she is a beautiful, wonderful, great kid.  However, she is such a picky eater she eats maybe 5 things.  Maybe.  She still wants to be sung to at night.  Still needs a parent to tuck her in bed.  Is still up at the crack of dawn.  Still is addicted to TV.  Wants to be waited on, can do nothing independently, still has me pick her clothes out most days!  She's 9!  Will not drink juice that is not diluted with water....acts like you are trying to poison her with Drayno if you do.  Still asks things like "can I have a banana Mommy?"  Yes, Taylor, you are 9!  You don't need to ask me if you can have a banana!  So dependent on Mike and I...is the only one who consistently still calls me Mommy....Noah says "Mom or YOU!" and Payton...well I'm surprised she doesn't just yell "bitch!"...Sawyer...god knows what he'll call me!
However, she's the love of my life, the sparkle in her Daddy's eye (yep, still calls him "Daddy"), and is smart as a whip.
Sawyer....at 14 months old is already so independent.  Eats just about everything.  Goes to bed very quickly...just wants to be laid down in his crib and left to sleep!  Sleeps til 9 am at least every day. Never watches TV...active all the time. 
It's amazing to me how much I have grown as a parent, and as a person, from #1 to #4.  I really think I'm a better parent now.  I don't care about the things I used to completely freak out about.  Enjoy Sawyer much more than I did Taylor...not because I loved her any less....but because I think I love myself more and appreciate little things more now.  Taylor is so big now....and I hope she never stops needing me.  Or wanting me to sing to her, or snuggle with her, or stop calling me Mommy.  And I don't want Sawyer to grow up...he has been such an amazing addition to our family....he is going to be an amazing little man...already is!  Motherhood...what a journey...a struggle, a joy, a pain, fun, hell, goodness and laughter all in one.  Now, where's my wine glass?

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The Dreaded Call....

Last night I received it...the dreaded call....or text I should say since he was too scared to call me and hear my screaming and cursing on the other end....

"I just got an assignment and won't be home til 9."

This was on dance night.  Tuesday night.  The WORST night this could possibly happen.  Why?  Because we are at dance for 3 hours on Tuesday night.  So there I was, at the dance studio, with little food, a 7 year old boy who would rather be dead than be there, and a 14 month old boy who will be the bane of my existence.  HELL. Then we get home, everyone is starving, everyone has homework, ACK!  We didn't even get to Noah's reading, and I had to send an email to his teacher this morning telling her what a slacker parent I am and didn't get to his reading because of our hell night.  Embarrassing.  (Hi Jenny on the Block!  LOL!)

Don't you hate those calls/texts? Yes, I know they are working too....but not with 4 kids.  My work is harder, I declare, because I have the kids.  And yes, I work too...just from home!  Which is worse...I wish I was in a cubby like Mike is with a clean little desk and walls around me.  Not really because then I wouldn't be with my kids...but there are times it would be awesome.  Being a stay at home mom working full time is hell sometimes!
All of this is after I experienced this at 9 am.

Sorry for the sideways pic...but yes, that would be an entire jar of fish food.  On the floor.

 I can't get these flipping pictures to turn, so you're just going to have to turn your head to look because I had a bad day.  Yes, look how fun the fish food is!

Now let's move to the small pieces in Noah's room that Sawyer can choke on.  It's so fun to play with choking hazzards.  It's the only thing I want to play with, says Sawyer.  And notice the fun drool marks on the shirt too...more teeth. Always a party here!
Hmmmm...what's in here that I can choke on? 
And why this picture came out right, I don't know.  Chalk it up to this is the kind of day I had.

Ah, and I hear him up now....where the hell is my nanny?  Or my manny?  Please....someone...hire me a manny!
Hoping the father of your children is home early tonight, tells you to get a glass of wine and run a bubble bath when he gets home, and takes the kids away for the rest of the night, and then deposits them in bed for you!  Have a great day/night!

So I kicked and swore calmly and rationally bucked up to my situation and got through it.  And it was ridiculous....

Friday, January 14, 2011

The Fun Never Ends

Meet Sawyer.  Sawyer likes toilets.
Yep, that's a whole roll of toilet paper.  Caught him with the cell phone.  Do you like the look of "What, did I do something wrong?"  If a toilet is open, Sawyer is in it.  And don't think that a toilet full of pee stops him.  The kids that use the toilet NEVER flush (despite my constant cries of FLUSH THE TOILET!!), so Sawyer is in there, swishing his little hands in the pretty yellow "water". 
Sawyer also likes garbage cans.

I have found many things that Sawyer has so kindly deposited in the garbage for me...that don't belong in there.  If there is a garbage can to get into, again, Sawyer is in it.  Loves to pull out the garbage...even that fun, old food!  There's a surprise in every can!
Sawyer likes the above things, but he LOVES tampons.

See the joy in his face?  Yep, that's a box of tampons.

Look how lovingly he's looking at the box!

And then we get to take them all out!  So fun!  It's like Christmas!

And then we sit, and play....he's even been know to roll around in them!  Tampons are so fun!

And then it's snack time!  It's a toy and a snack in one!  YUM!
(No, I do not actually let him unwrap the tampon and place it in his mouth....I'm a bad parent, but not that bad people!
My point?  Why do I buy toys? Why?  He doesn't play with them!  However, I have 4 toilets in my house.  Check.  More garbage cans than I can count.  Check.  And Target has an unlimited supply of tampons priced at $4.69 that I can easily pick up on my four times a week  weekly Target outing.  Perfect!  Next Christmas Santa is not going to be bringing toys, he's going to be bringing light, medium and super boxes of tampons!  Merry Christmas!
Hey, maybe he'll end up being a OB/GYN and set his momma up in a luxury condo one day!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

No time...not time...not enough time!

My poor blog...I have so much to say and no time to say it!  I wish I had another 2 or 3 hours a day.....I can't get it all done with only 24!  I miss you my dear blog...I promise I will spend time with your tomorrow!  Love, Me

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Housewives of Toledo

Whew what a weekend...I'm not as young as I used to be!

On Friday night I went out with the Housewives of Toledo. Have you heard of them?  Oh yes, they exist.  Three sassy and classy ladies....and they took great care of me!  We went out and they were known by everyone.  Bartenders, waitstaff....you'd never know we were in Toledo!  Had a great dinner, drinks....back to the bar for drinks.  They were wheeling and dealing with doctors.....these ladies knew it all!  Such a change from my little world where dinner out Friday night is the Coney Island.  I certainly cannot drink like I used to...and by 1:00 am the Housewives had to put me in bed. 
And oh I slept like a baby!  A bed to myself!  No one snoring next to me!  No baby monitor humming next to me!  Heaven!  Thanks for a great night though Toledo chicks....I had a great time!

Weigh in day today...lost 5.2 pounds!  Hot damn!  I better have though....I've been so good....Summer of George!

And one quick picture...in other big news, Sawyer ate macaroni and cheese with a fork today.  This is also heaven.  I can put this in front of him in the highchair and he's entertained and stationary for 20 minutes.  Mommy bliss!
Nothin' cuter than a baby eatin' mac and cheese!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Save me from the spin cycle!

And this isn't even half of it.
The laundry begins to become a problem.....
when you lose your baby in the laundry.  Poor Sawyer.
I have procrastinated it long enough....and Mike is going to have to go commando to work tomorrow if he hasn't dug himself out some undies to wash.  Poor Mike. 
Eh...Ford needs a little spice...
I really hate laundry....I always say I'll never let it get to this point again, and then I suddenly find myself searching for the baby in a pile of clothes.  Dirty ones at that.
It doesn't help too that I'm incredibly anal and line dry nearly everything.  I know....I know.....
Some day I'll have a laundress...or a laundman....who wears tight little shorts and serves me drinks with umbrellas in them....while he's hanging up my clothes and emptying the lint trap....until then my husband may not wear underwear to work tomorrow and I will have to listen to Taylor complain that her super skinny jeans are not clean.
Don't worry...he found his way out...he's tough...he's the fourth kid...it's how he rolls...

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Summer of George!!!

Who the hell is this?  Yep, it's me.....wow.  And Mike with a lot darker hair.  Before we were married, in Mexico.  Feels like another life ago.
Had a great conversation with a friend today...an inspiring friend....and we talked about this year being our Summer of George.  You know...the Seinfeld episode where George declares it's all about him--for the whole summer.  Well, 2011 is my Summer of George...it's going to be all about me.  Day 4 of WW...and I'm feeling good.  Day 4 of no pop, and I'm about dying.  I may need to taste the nectar tomorrow...just so I can stop the shakes.
Today I was actually a better mom because I did things for ME.  So when it was time to take care of everyone else, I had the patience to do so.  What a concept...amazing it's still taking me this long to learn this.  I was able to go on my elliptical, and then shower!  I organized my desk....did some MJC office time, read my US magazine, and tonight I took a bath!  Now, I was able to do most of this because this little guy:
took a power nap for me.
And I had patience to deal with this guy:

when I really want to throttle him.  Got a phone call from his teacher about his disrespectful behavior with a guest teacher today....and instead of losing it when he screamed at me that he "hated me and I was the worst mom ever and ruins his life" after I told him he was spending the night in his room with no Legos or TV and would be receiving a HUGE consequence, I simply said "Okay".
And then there is the good kid of the day...so sweet, so full of life, loves everything and everyone.  Energy like you wouldn't believe....excitement over everything.  I love 5.
She could be the "bad kid" tomorrow.
And then there is the moody one.  9 going on 17.....
So what will I do for myself tomorrow to give me the patience to deal with these little personalities again?  Hmmmm....the possibilities are endless......

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Why I want to move....to Target.

I do.  I want to live in Target.  Went there today for my Sunday, 2 hour long, blissful visit.  And I want to live there....really.  My Target of choice for all the local peeps is the Commerce Target.  Mike swears that I am the target of security there...that they must be watching me saying to each other "How can this woman be here again? What can she possibly be looking at/wanting/needing now?  Hasn't she bought everything here?"  The answers are a.  I love being here b. I am looking at/wanting/needing everything here.  and c., no I haven't bought everything here yet, that's why I'm here!  It's just such a happy, blissful place.  Here are the top reasons for me wanting to make it my residence:
1.  They have a Starbucks...and someone makes your Grande Non-Fat Two Spenda Latte (sometimes iced) and hands it to you with a smile.  Ahhhh....instant perfection.
2.  The shopping carts are red, which also happens to be my favorite color.  So while I'm pushing my Starbucks around, I get to look at my favorite hue!
3.  The floors are clean....no crumbs, except for the food area, and I know I don't have to vacuum it!  Sure, there are your occasional mishaps....but if there is one, it's not my problem!
4.  Neat piles and stacks of things....I love this.  I'm anal...I like things organized, and Target to me is organized.  Rows of anything organized gives me a thrill--hey, I don't get out much.  Remember, I have 4 kids!
5.  In the bathroom section there is no dirty underwear on the floor!  Stacks of clean towels!  Imagine!
6.  Where else can you get diapers, tape, cute new mixing bowls, and a bottle of your favorite wine in one store?  Yes, Target sells one of my favorite wines, LaCrema Pinot Noir!  Everything I could ever possibly want is there!  You can even get Pizza Hut pizza, which is the greasest yummiest pizza ever, and I can't eat it now, but the possibility is there!
7.  I'm usually alone at Target...for trips like this anyway.  It's my outlet...I looked forward to these 2 hours for days.  Pathetic...I know.  But it's just me, my cute red cart, my Starbucks, and I feel for those 2 hours like I can tackle the world!

I can just click my ruby heels together and say "I want to go to Target....I want to go to Target....I want to go to Target...." and suddenly it's all okay!  Can't wait for my next trip...probably tomorrow.
Night!  And Target dreams to all!

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Well here I go....

I've always wanted to do this....start a blog.  So today I am.  I also started Weight Watchers today to lose 60 pounds.  So, we'll see how this all pans out.

Why "BurntToastx4" for my blog name?  Well, I love to eat peanut butter toast every morning.  Of course, since I've now joined WW, this will have to change.  Regardless, when I do make peanut butter toast, I burn the first batch in the toaster oven every time.  Why?  The "x4".  Four nuts that prevent me from making a decent piece of toast, but make it all worthwhile.

So, I want to blog to share my crazy life, my views on things, and to chronicle the growing up of my peanuts, Taylor, Noah, Payton, and Sawyer.  Again, we'll see how this goes....hope my kids enjoy reading this someday, and others do as well!

Rachel